Communication gap

Once, when I was a very young woman, I screwed up all my courage to go in and talk to an older, important person who was the gatekeeper to a career opportunity for me. Although we had met before I didn't know him well. However, I was friends with a young man who, in fact, was on the career path I sought - who, in fact, had suggested I speak with Mr. Big. Mr. Big was gruff and impatient even on a good day, so I wanted to find some common ground. I mentioned that I was friends with "Don," and that I hoped to be allowed to begin on the same path he was on.

A few days later I heard from Don. He was angry with me. Mr. Big told him that I had arrogantly demanded equity with Don, and that Mr. Big had been deeply offended by my sense of entitlement. Don was annoyed that I had miss-used his friendship.

I was so shocked it made me cry. What shocked me was not so much Mr. Big's unkindness, but the fact that Mr. Big had so totally misunderstood me. I thought I had been deferential. I thought I had been referring to Don as an example of someone I admired and aspired to follow. How could the words I said have been taken any other way?

And then even worse self-doubt - If I'd offended Mr. Big so deeply, how could I have left his presence thinking it had gone well? Was there some sign I'd missed? Was I just clueless?

It's been almost forty years since that moment, and yet on occasion, I've experienced - or witnessed - similar times where two people come away with totally opposite perceptions of the same conversation. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as the "Rashamon effect" - named after the Japanese movie classic where four witnesses give four mutually contradictory acounts of the same crime.

My group is involved in a business negotiation, and it's beginning to look as though both parties came away from a meeting with two contradictory perceptions.

Have you experienced this in your personal or professional lives? How was it resolved?